Tag Archives: good costume manners

This is Part 4 of a series of posts on being a decent person while costuming. The other posts in the Good Costume Manners series are Part 1: “It’s Not Necessary to Be Mean: Snark in the Costuming and Cosplay Community”,  Part 2: “Good Intentions Don’t Excuse Bad Behavior” and Part 3: “Taking Control of Your Costuming Happiness.”

Originally for Part 4 I had been planning to write about how I’ve seen a rise in boorish behavior from people bored at home during quarantine.  (Some have decided to play gatekeeper and criticize cosplayers and historical costumers about their weight, physical resemblance to a character they’re portraying, materials, etc.)  Instead I feel like this is the time to discuss a much more toxic form of gatekeeping: racism, whether overt or subtle, purposeful or not. The past several weeks, as protests mounted about the deplorable way Black people are treated, I’ve seen members of the costume community respond in a myriad of ways that range from helpful activism, to shrugging it off as not their problem, to racist acts or comments of their own about the Black Lives Matter movement.

If you are reading this, chances are high that you are interested in cosplay, historical costuming, re-enactment, and/or vintage fashion. Chances are also high that your hobby has a disproportionately low number of BIPOC (especially Black and Brown) individuals compared to their presence in the general population and you’ve wondered why. Perhaps your local club or area is diverse but on a national level the hobbies are not. The reasons for this are too numerous and complex for a blog post but some of them are:

1. BIPOC don’t feel welcome. (This, and what you can do about it, is going to be the focus of this post).
2. Some hobbies are expensive and individuals from marginalized communities may have difficulty meeting the financial bar to purchase the costumes, materials, membership fees, or con badges.
3. Some BIPOC fear that their friends and family will think they are being frivolous or “acting white.”

You, as an individual, may not have any control over the cultural and social constructs that have led to #2 and #3, but you can do something about #1.

BIPOC are not stupid. You don’t have to be overt and put up a Confederate flag on the lawn to drive people away from your hobby. BIPOC look for little clues like how many other POC are in a club, what kind of “jokes” are shared and tolerated by the membership, or if an organization has any policies on discrimination.

I’m not saying you, Reader, are a bad person. But perhaps you have tolerated some bad behavior, that behavior gets seen, and those micro-aggressions are little drops that grow into a trickle that becomes a river that POC might look at and say, “You know what, I don’t have the energy to wade through that just to play a game.”

I’d like you to consider if you have done the following things:

• Your friend says something racist at an event but you don’t want to “kill the vibe” by calling him out because you’re afraid it’ll make everyone uncomfortable.
• When your Black friend asks for cosplay suggestions you only suggest characters like Black Panther, Blade, and Storm.
• There’s that one guy at your Civil War reenactment or Viking camp out who’s a little too aggressively interested in “heritage” and has some weird rants about minorities, but you decide he’s just really serious about his hobbies and keep inviting him back.
• Your family member comments on your Facebook album of con pics, “Hey it’s Black Batman” or “Mexican Wonder Woman” and you don’t say “No, it’s just Batman and Wonder Woman” because you figure why bother correcting him?
• You see an Asian person wearing a costume you don’t recognize but automatically assume it’s a geisha or anime character.
• You state “I’m not into politics” because you’re afraid of alienating your sponsors or fan base.
• Some of your fans compliment you with “It’s great to see an actual white person do this character because so many people doing it just don’t look right!” and you simply say thanks.
• When asked what your stance is on civil rights issues you give a vague, non-committal answer about how you think everyone is important.
• You justify following a popular costumer on Instagram or Youtube despite a history of terrible behavior because you “just like their pictures” or “I’m a fan of the work and not the person.”

I’m not saying you’re an awful person if you did those. It’s natural to want to avoid conflict and sometimes you’re not in a situation where it is safe to confront someone in person. Perhaps you have a business contract you can’t get out of.  However, those actions or inactions are seen and heard, and interpreted by people who might have otherwise been interested in joining up as a NOT WELCOME sign if they see it enough times.

What can you do?

• If you see someone saying something racist, call them out. If they seem misguided, educate them. Maybe you can’t change their mind but someone else might see what you’re doing and know you’re not being complicit.
• If someone makes an inappropriate joke tell them it’s not funny. If they insist, make them explain why it’s funny.
• If a POC tries to join your club or reenactment don’t automatically try to steer them towards an ethnic character or persona because you think it’s “historically accurate.” Give them a chance to decide what they want to do.
• If a POC does want to portray an ethnic character don’t assume they’re “trying to make a statement” or “want to be special.”
• Speech, objects, and traditions that may have been accepted or tolerated in the past may be considered harmful in the present. Be aware that historical does not mean appropriate.
• Google things on your own before asking your BIPOC friend to explain it; they’ve probably done it a lot and are tired of answering basic questions.
• If you make a mistake, apologize. If someone tells you that your post is hurtful or has negative connotations, don’t double down and say “That’s not what I meant” or “That’s not how I’m using it.”
• Familiarize yourself with the terms “performative activism,” “virtue signaling,” and “gaslighting” and why those actions make others uncomfortable.
• Don’t pretend that because you are religious, have a history of charity work, or “don’t see race” you’re exempt from wrongdoing or criticism.
• Also remember that people can change. Someone that made some mistakes in the past and thoroughly disavowed their former selves can be congratulated instead of continually dragged through the mud. There’s no incentive to change if you are still vilified after changing. Of course, this only applies to specific, genuine apologies and not “sorry you were offended” non-apologies. This also does not mean that as an ally you should expect your BIPOC friends to applaud every little thing you do; that would be exhausting.

Being excluded from a hobby is trivial in comparison to some of the other awful things happening in the world at the moment, and I am not a scholar or expert on race matters. I’m just a costumer that’s seen some things and want to stick to speaking about what I know. However, the point remains: Treat others as human. Don’t be an ass. Listen to your friends when they say they are hurt. Don’t talk over marginalized people with your own irrelevant anecdotes. Sharing a hashtag doesn’t absolve you of responsibility.

As an Asian American and a resident of a diverse area I tend to experience micro-aggressions because of my skin color (mainly online or when I travel), but I do not experience some of the particular and horrifying things Black costumers and reenactors encounter.  I am definitely not as eloquent and informed about this subject as I’d like to be and would prefer to defer to other more appropriate voices. For more information about the Black experience in America and discussion of problematic behavior: Cheyney McKnight of Not Your Momma’s History is a wonderful historical interpreter and educator who has a website, Instagram, Youtube, and Patreon.  Please feel free to suggest other POC costumers who strive to educate others in comments below. Thank you for reading!

(This post was originally written at the beginning of June, but I didn’t feel it was the right time to share then, when so many Black voices were struggling to be heard. I hope this is the right time now, not because the struggle is over, but because I’ve been seeing non-BIPOC individuals asking what immediate, relatable, and specific actions they can start taking now in their lives among the people they encounter and to make their hobbies more welcoming).

This is Part 3 of a series! If you haven’t read them yet, Part 1 is “It’s Not Necessary to Be Mean: Snark in the Costuming and Cosplay Community” and Part 2 is “Good Intentions Don’t Excuse Bad Behavior.”

I’ve previously discussed good costuming manners towards others but with this post I’d like to discuss something a little more personal: approaching this hobby in a healthy way by taking personal responsibility for and control of your costuming happiness. This means shutting down the brain weasels of self-doubt and giving up on unrealistic expectations for yourself and others.

Please note, nothing in this post should be construed as encouragement to be unkind to others because you think “See, it’s their responsibility” and “They’re just whiners.” The point of this post is to encourage people to let go of some baggage and have a great time regardless of where they live or how experienced a cosplayer they are. More sewing, less crying!

Let’s Talk About FOMO

Social media makes it really easy to see what other people are doing and feel they are having fun at conventions and parties without you, resulting in FOMO (fear of missing out).  This feeling is natural and common and nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes I see beautiful event pictures and think “Wow, I wish I could have gone to that!” However, what is not healthy is to take your feelings to one of two extremes I’ve seen:

1. Getting depressed because you think nobody likes you.
2. Being angry because the event wasn’t public.

1.  Getting depressed because you think nobody likes you: If you were not invited to an event, it is quite possible that the venue had space restrictions, the hostess wanted an intimate event because she didn’t have the energy to wrangle a huge party, the organizer had a small budget, or this was just for members of a club. Please don’t take it as a judgement as to whether you were “good enough.” Think about which is more likely: someone didn’t have a big enough house to invite everyone, or they specifically singled you out for exclusion? When you say it out loud I hope the latter sounds silly and you understand there are many reasons why not everyone can be included, and they weren’t directed at you.

2. Being angry because the event wasn’t public: Imagine you had a pizza party at your house and your boss found out and was upset he wasn’t invited. Your response would probably be “Um, I wanted to have a party with my friends. I’m not obligated to have the whole town over for a BBQ.” Now think: why would that change if everyone was wearing funny clothes? Lately in the costume world I’ve seen a trend towards destination events, themed weekends, fancy dress birthday parties, and other intimate social gatherings. I’ve also seen some people get upset about private events and accuse the organizers or attendees of snobbery and exclusion. Not only is this often hurtful and untrue, it will not encourage people to invite you in the future. If you willfully misconstrue and misrepresent the neutral behavior of others as malicious, you are exhibiting the behavior you accuse others of.

No one can invite everyone to everything. Sharing a hobby does not entitle you to be included in every event your fellow hobbyists organize. If someone decides they want to have a small 1940s tea party or a casual evening get-together in their hotel room at a convention they can. It doesn’t mean that they are being mean. It means they had limited seating or they didn’t want to share a house rental with strangers. It is not personal, and not being included is not a judgement on you, your self-worth, or your skill as a costumer. You don’t have to feted at event to be a “real” costumer; just by trying to costume you are being brave and creative!

You Can Host Your Own Events

People in metropolitan areas may be blessed with more venues and opportunities, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have an event of your own where you live. Please consider that when you say “There’s nothing going on where I live” do you really mean “I want someone else to do the work and I can just show up”? Sometimes if you want something to happen, you have to get the ball rolling. An event doesn’t have to be elaborate to be fun. Pick a theme and make a restaurant reservation and post on Facebook with an open invite (and tell your friends to bring their friends). Your area may be too rural to attract a comic con, but it doesn’t mean you can’t host a picnic or a day at the beach for fellow fans of a movie, book, time period, style of clothing, or other interest.  Don’t underestimate the interest a simple picnic can generate! The recent 1830s event I went to sold 50 tickets in the first hour.

I’d also advise you to scale up slowly. For your first event choose something inexpensive that doesn’t require a lot of cash from you, so you don’t get stuck losing money if a few people drop out at the last minute. Have everyone buy their own movie tickets and collect money up front if you have to pay a deposit or reserve a block of seats somewhere. Once you’ve established a core group or gauged local interest you can dream bigger (but you don’t have to; small events are fun too because everyone gets a chance to know each other).

Also check the costume policy for a venue in advance. Some places do not allow costumes because they don’t want guests to mistake you for an employee or paid performer, which is very reasonable.

Here are some ideas to get started:

• Adventurer’s Meetup: Dress in steampunk or explorer costumes and have a scavenger hunt in your town.
• Downton Abbey House Tour: Find a historical mansion in your area, get in touch with the docents, and ask if you can arrange a private tour for your group in exchange for a donation. Have everyone dress in Edwardian or 20s clothes.
• Medieval Melee: Gather at a park dressed as a knight, princess, wizard, orc, etc. and bring a foam pool noodle as a weapon. Hold court, declare war, pick sides, and fight. Have a potluck feast celebrating the peace treaty afterwards.
• Victorian Beach Day: Wear old-fashioned Victorian bathing suits and have fun at the ocean or lake, whether you actually go into the water or not.
• Anime Breakfast Club: Dress up as your favorite anime character and visit a diner. If this becomes a regular event you could pick a movie to watch and discuss at monthly breakfasts.
• Dapper Museum Visit: Find a museum with an exhibition for a particular artist and dress in the clothing of that time period.
• Seafarers at the Aquarium: Dress as a pirate, sea captain, sailor, or Jacques Cousteau and marvel at the sea life.

There’s No Conspiracy Against You

There is no costuming Illuminati. There is also no global cabal of people who hold secret meetings to vote on who’s cool and who’s not. Most people are way too busy fretting over their own cosplay to worry about yours, and if they are a big enough jerk to say something they’re really saying something about themselves and not you. (See my comments about nitpicking).

I’ve been involved in sewing (historical costuming, cosplay, or vintage) for close to 17 years now, and the vast majority of people I’ve met have been nice and welcoming, and just so excited to meet another person with the same weird hobby. I’ve made so many great friends! If you are new please keep in mind that chances are you will also make friends if you are open to it. Put out good energy and you’ll get the same back. If you show up to an event expecting to have a bad time, you’re going to have a bad time. If you snub everyone because you’re expecting them to snub you, you’ve created a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It is a fact of life that some people will not like you. (Many others will!) Sometimes someone will not like you for a silly reason, such as resembling an ex-boyfriend, your ability to wear a color they think they can’t, or because they misheard something you allegedly said. Why obsess over something you have no control over, from a tiny fraction of the people in the community? Hold your head high and carry on with your hobby.

That being said, there are some nasty corners of the internet. For your mental and emotional health, avoid wading in those cesspools. Don’t go looking to see if you’ve been posted to troll forums. Do you really need to know what a 13-year-old edgelord thinks of you, your body, or your costume? Block someone who’s being a jerk and move on.

The Internet is a Blessing and a Curse

In some ways costuming is easier now than when I first started. The internet and e-commerce websites have created a lot more indie companies selling historically accurate patterns, individuals offering 3D-printed props, specialty wig and cosplay suppliers, and small businesses selling niche items like reproduction shoes and jewelry. Museums are putting high resolution photos of their garment collections online. There are educational podcasts and tutorials and lots of inspiration available on Instagram and Pinterest.  All these readily available resources mean it’s a lot easier to put together a “good” costume. It has also increased the pressure to put together a “good” costume right from the start, and every time afterwards.

For people with savvy or resources their first attempts might not be the same as yours. We all start somewhere, but that starting point is different for everybody. The end point is also different for everyone, often by choice. (Remember not everyone wants to be screen or historically accurate!) It’s not a contest or a race. Use the internet as a resource, but not a rubric by which to judge yourself or others. Remember that Instagram is highly curated and people repost outfits, and not everyone posts the things that didn’t work out. Don’t let the algorithm fool you into thinking that everyone else is constantly making epic outfits all the time.

Have Reasonable Deadlines

It’s not fun for you to be crying the night before or morning of an event because you are still sewing. Be realistic about what you can accomplish in the time you have, and start early if you can. Remember:

• Done is better than perfect.
• Most people won’t notice the “flaws” you do. If they do, why are they that close to your personal space?!?
• Machine sewing is ok. Polyester is not always bad. Glue can be used judiciously.
• You don’t need something new for each event. You can change up an outfit with different accessories if you want a fresh look, but remember that in historical times clothes were costly and worn repeatedly. If anyone has the gall to sneer at you for “wearing that old thing” remind them that it is historically accurate to re-wear outfits, wear homemade items that varied in skill, and refashion older garments into newer ones.
• Done. Is. Better. Than. Perfect.

It’s Okay To Take a Break

If your cosplay hobby does not make you happy, ask yourself why are you doing it? Are you doing it for your own fun or to impress others? Are you staging elaborate photoshoots you find exhausting in order to gain followers on Instagram? Don’t forget to have fun with your hobby. Self-validation is much more satisfying than validation from a fickle audience.

Even if you’re doing it for yourself, it’s easy to have burnout if you are constantly churning out costumes, or you have other things like family and school that need your attention too. It’s okay to take a break, whether it’s a brief time-out for a project that’s not working out, or a longer period of weeks or months to regroup and regain your joy. It’ll still be here when you return.

You’re not obligated to attend every event or make something new for every event. Consider this official permission to say no to yourself or others.

Well, That’s Easy for You To Say

You might be reading this thinking, “Well it’s easy for you to feel confident when you have a big wardrobe and a group of friends to do cool stuff with.” I am not Athena who sprang full-grown from the head of Zeus. I had to start out knowing just a few people and having very little sewing experience at my first events. Here’s a few of my early costumes compared to my more recent ones.

(I wish I could find a photo of my first costume: a “medieval” dress made of tablecloth fabric with shiny Christmas trim on it. It was off-white with ill-placed red embroidery and more than one woman offered me a tampon).

Compared to now, some of the earlier outfits have questionable fit or materials and styling issues, but back then I didn’t let a lack of polish stop me from having a good time! I have nice memories from every event represented above. It took me a long time to get to where I am now (and I still have room to improve) and some people get there faster, and that’s okay. (Shout out to those amazing high school and college students that sew like pros; I see you and I’m proud of you!)

My comfort with costuming didn’t occur naturally; I wasn’t a “cool kid” growing up. I’ve had glasses, braces, severe eczema, corrective shoes, speech problems, and a limp. I was, and still am rather clumsy.  (I am sitting here writing this while drinking a chocolate shake that may or may not have ended up where I intended). But I believe in “fake it until you make it,” not giving up because someone else is “doing it better,” and surrounding yourself with awesome, encouraging friends. (You ladies know who you are and I love you!)

I believe in self-fulling prophecies, and I am determined to have a good time. And so can you.

People like you and admire your costumes more than you know, and your “weird hobby” makes you interesting.

And remember what RuPaul says: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”